Yesterday...

Yesterday, my good friend Farah came over to be "my responsible adult" around after surgery b/c Buck had to go to work. I was so glad she came over, and so glad she brought her two wonderful boys. She has been a blessing lately. Their family went through a miscarriage at the same time during the pregnancy (five weeks ago) as we did this last week. The encouragement and comfort their family has offered from the first moment has been beyond anything we could ever deserve, but this is not the first time God has granted me something I did not deserve. From the first moment we new something was wrong they have been there--David picked Buck up from work and had him at the doctor's office so quickly; then he sat with us while we waited for the news...calming us in a way only David could. This week they have delivered meals, Dr. Pepper, and hugs. They found people to make meals for us who don't even know us. By the way, if you need some food let us know...you can come over and eat with us:) They have helped take some of the burden off of Buck...I know he is emotionally drained. He has been so strong and stable (unlike me) over the last few days. He has done all sorts of things that will probably come and go without any thanks. Because of the kindness of others, he has been able to relax a little, and we have been able to spend some quality time together. But, back to the Isbells. Before they came over yesterday, Farah prepped Dax (their very bright 3-year old) about the situation...what shouldn't be said...that soft hugs were okay...things like that. Anyway, he came so close to making it the entire couple of hours...but then it came out at lunch, "Aunt Bether, why did your baby die?"....All I could say was, "That's a great question, Dax." And it is. It is the question I have struggle through. It is the question that has made me mad, the question that has made my faith waiver. I have been asking myself that. I think Dax allowed me to hear the question out loud that I had only heard in my head or in intimate, emotional coversations with my husband. And, I don't know why. Sometimes when you hear something out loud, you are able to better understand it as reality. And, it is much easier to deal with something once you allow it to become reality rather than suppressing it. So, thanks, Dax. And, yes, I am scared to death to try this process again...but, I will b/c I know I am supposed to be a mom. God has some plan, even though I cannot comprehend most of it. Dax ended our coversation by saying, "Your baby is in heaven with our baby". What a load for a three-year old to handle. But, what faith he still has in God's plan...you can see it in everything he does. I am thankful for those moments in life where things go a little differently than mom pictured them going. They help us grow. They help us deal with what is on the inside.

Thank you so much to everyone for your kind words and thoughtfulness this last week. Thank you for your prayers. We have felt very cared for. We are trying to deal with the different emotions that come with something like this. We are trying to remember the blessing we had for a short while, and still look forward. I really don't know what else to say but "thank you".